jumping back in

Hello there. I feel like I've been away for such a long time. Sure, I've popped into this space every once in a while, but I haven't really sat down and had a good visit. I miss it. I miss interacting with all of you.

These first three months of motherhood have consumed me. I've been completely immersed in the daily happenings of my little guy. He has needed so much of me. I've spent many hours cuddling, nursing (oh, so much nursing!), and making a variety of funny noises to see which ones coax a smile from him. My conversations have revolved around spit up and poop. At the end of each day, I've taken a hot shower and dropped into bed for a few hours of sleep before being roused for a middle-of-the-night feeding.

Suddenly this weekend I felt different. As cheesy as it sounds, I really did feel awakened to the outside world again. I wanted to emerge from the all-consuming baby time and get back out there. I wanted to reconnect with friends and spend time here on the blog with you. So here I am. 

I have a lot to say but of course can't say it all at once. Who has the time? Not me. Anyway, here's a start.

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I quit my job. It felt momentous and awkward. I never quit things, so it took all my guts and many deep breaths to tell my boss that I wasn't coming back. Later I felt a flood of tears, tears of relief, but also of mourning. I grieved for the loss of two stable incomes and the feeling of competence I found in doing something every day that I knew how to do. I had a sense of pride in my work that helped shape my identity. My work certainly didn't define me, but it did form a part of me.

For years I've known that I wanted to stay home for at least my baby's first year. I've also known that it probably wouldn't be financially feasible for our family, and I had come to terms with that. However, when K and I took a good hard look at our budget, we realized we could swing it. Once that dream became a real possibility, though, I got nervous. Having two paychecks means less scrimping and saving and more money for extras like traveling and eating out. Ultimately, K and I decided that fewer monetary worries would mean more emotional worries, and that trade-off wasn't worth it to us. So I traded in my office job, where I knew what the heck I was doing each day, for one that I'm still trying to figure out.

My mom recently asked me how it felt to no longer be working outside the home. And even though I hesitated to leave my job, I've thought about work only a handful of times since I turned in my resignation. Don't get me wrong, I sometimes miss the daily interaction with other adults and having conversations that don't revolve around bodily functions, but my days are so full now that I don't think about the office.

I hope your days are full too, and I hope I'll get to spend much more time visiting with you in the future.

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